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tassllehoff
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Karma: -16 |  | first time posting story
« Thread Started on Mar 9, 2006, 1:10am » | ![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Siddhartha (like person) in Seattle
By: Colin Moris
One day, Patrick wandered into Seattle. Hot and out of water, he went to the nearest bar and asked for a glass of water. Patrick was a tall and handsome boy of 15. He was very muscular due to the constant walking with a heavy backpack full of water and other provisions. A few minutes later, the bartender brought Patrick some fruit juice. “Excuse me,” said Patrick, looking at the juice, “I asked for water, not fruit juice. “Sorry,” said the bartender, “but it’s better for you.” “No, I mean I need water so I can fill my water bottles” said Patrick, pulling out about 50 empty water bottles. “Oh,” said the bartender “I see. So, what brings you to Seattle?” Looking up from his work, Patrick said very causally “I’m a wanderer.” “Come again?” asked the bartender in disbelief. “I’m a wanderer, ever herd of one?” said Patrick in a mock-annoyed tone. “Not in this time period” said the astounded bartender. “Well, I am one. My name’s Patrick, what’s yours?” “My name’s Chris,” said the bartender. “Want to join me in my quest for the truth?” said Patrick. “Why not?” responded Chris with a shrug “I don’t have anything better to do.” With that, Chris went to get his backpack, and they went to the store to buy some more water bottles and after that, they were off.
As Patrick and Chris were walking through Seattle, they saw many things and spoke to a lot of people. When they came to a restaurant, they had a bite to eat and began a conversation. “So, what made you want to go on this quest for truth anyway?” Chris asked. “It’s a long story,” responded Patrick with a sigh. “That’s fine; we have all the time in the world.” “Ok,” began Patrick with another sigh “it all started back when I was only five years old. My mother died and three months later, so did my father. Because I had no living relatives I had to live by myself for nine years. Luckily, my parents left me money so I could go to school. The kids would always pick on me for not having any parents, I felt so sad. About 6 years later, I gathered up the courage to ask out the girl I had a crush on for about 3 years. Her name was Maria, and she said yes. That was the first time in a very long time that I felt loved. Maria and I were very happy together; she even gave me my first kiss. But only 2 years ago, some older kids set my house on fire while we were in it; fortunately, we were able to get out in time, but it turns out that Maria forgot something very precious to her and went back in, I followed her and when I found her, she was unconscious and was badly burned. I grabbed her and ran out of the house, forgetting the scorching heat of the fire that was roasting me. I finally got out with her just before the house collapsed. Checking her pulse, I felt nothing, she was dead. In my tears, my eyes came across what she was holding. It was a necklace made of beads and shark teeth with a note attached to it.” Patrick pulled out a beautiful necklace from the inside of his shirt. “Oddly, neither the necklace nor the note was scorched or burned by the flames. Reading the note, it said ‘here is a keepsake for you to remember me by. I love you, and goodbye.’ Finally understanding what was happening, I spent all but a little bit of the remaining money from my parents for Maria’s funeral. I then gathered up my provisions, and set off to find the truth of why people have to die. As I traveled, I began to broaden my look at things and search for not only the truth of why people die, but also the truth about life. It has been two years now that I have been traveling and I still haven’t found out the truth. All I have now is my goal and this necklace to remember the only person that ever really loved me since I lost my family.” There was a long silence.
Then, wiping the tears from his face, Chris said “what a sad story, you have seen it all haven’t you?” “Yes, sadly, I have. My life is no joke, it is full of pain, sorrow, and death,” Patrick said while forcing back his tears. “I am so very sorry for making you remember that,” Chris said with a hint of pity. “No,” said Patrick, “I must never forget my past, for it is what drives me. Anyway, lets go.” The two then got up and left.
While walking, Patrick saw a huge spire and wondered what it was. “Hey Chris,” said Patrick, “what’s that?” “Oh, that’s the Space Needle, do you want to go?” Chris responded. Patrick nodded, so they went to the Space Needle and Patrick was astounded. It was almost like he was in heaven. Suddenly he heard a voice in his head that sounded like his girlfriends voice whispering a riddle to him about how to find the truth. That’s when it hit him, and at that point he found out how to learn what the truth is. So he climbed to the top of the Space Needle and stood on the edge. When Chris saw this, he climbed up there and yelled “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Patrick turned and smiled, “I’m going to find the truth.” Then Patrick leaned over and fell off. “WAAAAAAAIT!!!!” Chris yelled as his new friend fell to his death. As Patrick fell he thought ‘I’m coming Maria, I’m coming to find the truth’ at that point he hit the ground, his soul floating up to heaven with the necklace in hand. ‘I’m coming’
THE END
this was a school project [note the title] but i think its really good. Please give me feedback
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Karma: 10 | | Re: first time posting story
« Reply #1 on Mar 10, 2006, 12:32am » | |
Creepy...what was the assignment?
Make it longer, if you can. It's too short! 
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tassllehoff
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Karma: -16 | | Re: first time posting story
« Reply #2 on Mar 10, 2006, 1:58pm » | |
if you have ever read Siddhartha, its based off of that idea of enlighenment. i will make it longer but when i have more time. it was supposed to be set only in seattle but i think it would be better if i had it expand throughout the whole world, or at least the US of A
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yay, new signature and pic, yay.
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Jen
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ahh so bored...
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Karma: 1 | | Re: first time posting story
« Reply #3 on Apr 1, 2006, 7:55am » | |
I think the idea of the story is really good and original, but you could probably improve your story's fluency a little. For example, you could combine your shorter sentences, so it flows better and sounds more sophisticated.
i.e.
"Hot and out of water, he went to the nearest bar and asked for a glass of water. Patrick was a tall and handsome boy of 15. "
---> Hot and out of water, a tall and handsome boy of 15 went to the nearest bar and asked for water.
Hmm, I think it's also a little bit awkward how Patrick just asks if Chris would want to go for a quest of truth...or maybe it's just me...^^"
Also, there's some puncuational and mechanic mistakes.
i.e.
"No, I mean I need water so I can fill my water bottles” said Patrick, pulling out about 50 empty water bottles.
---> "No, I mean I need water, so I can fill my water bottles." said Patrick, pulling out about 50 empty water bottles.
Actually, I'm not sure if that's correct, but I think it is..someone verify or fix it properly please?
I think you usually also start a new paragraph with dialogues.
i.e.
“My name’s Chris,” said the bartender.
“Want to join me in my quest for the truth?” said Patrick.
“Why not?” responded Chris with a shrug “I don’t have anything better to do.”
Overall, good job, though. The idea and cotent was good. =)
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Astral
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Karma: 2 | | Re: first time posting story
« Reply #4 on Sept 3, 2006, 12:06am » | |
Almost, Jen - it should be: "No, I mean I need water so I can fill my water bottles," said Patrick, pulling out about fifty empty water bottles."
Sob story had very little effect on me. Try to develop the character enough for me to care, first.
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